In fact, it seems we as a whole, value ourselves not at all… why else would there be people out there who wish to kill large numbers of peoples to make a loud statement. We physically can’t stop them, that would be impossible… but in our own little corners of the world, how often do we stop and take the time to have a good look around us as to the wellbeing of those we supposedly care about?
I forget more often then not to tell my lovely partner how much she means to me in my life. At times, my dog gets more attention then she does… well, perhaps I’m being a bit harsh on myself here, but you know what I mean… or at least I hope you do. I have some friends who use my ears on numerous occasions to bash themselves up with. Its not enough that they do this in their OWN heads often enough, they’ve got to go and use my head space up as well. What in hell is going on around here? Why would we allow ourselves to rip ourselves to pieces, when there seems to be so many other things to hate out there? It’s true… we are our own worst enemy. No one else quite knows how to kick you right where it hurts, figuratively speaking of course… no-one but you.
We know all the weak links in our own suits of armour well. We’ve been picking at them for years. We don’t rush out and get them fixed once we notice a worn spot – oh no… we’d much rather sticking something hot and pokey in there – yo know jiggle it around a bit, you know – work up a little ‘hurt’. For some of us, that’s more then enough. We mightn’t visit that place of pain for a long while, till our defences are down and we need a shot of pain again. Others though pick at it absentmindedly – constantly teasing the defective part in order to remain in contact with the pain.
I don’t know that it’s something we might find ourselves doing JUST because we are selfish individuals who only want to feel pain – more that the pain for one very brief moment allows us the opportunity to anchor ourselves again… in something real, for a tiny moment in time, away from what ever is hurting us. Imagine if you think you can, the world a person is travelling through deep inside themselves, if this is what they require in their life to put them in touch with one REAL moment in time… it scares me rigid to think someone is that badly scarred inside, they have to hurt themselves further to FEEL.
It’s not just about the physical either is it…? It frightens me even more that there are those who can do this on a whole other level. One far removed from the physical world of pain on the outside. No… they’re bloody masted that world along time ago… they choose to feel pain on the inside, deep down to their core… where help struggles to find them, and where they can hide all the deeper – away from prying eyes. Those who burn themselves with mental cigarrettes on the inside are caught up in a world that is so slef damaging, eventually they will self destruct unless they can get some help.
And I sit here and think of these people. People I know – who are in pain – and besides being myself and staying true to who I am, what else can I possibly do for them? I can’t carry their pain… one – I wouldn’t know how to process it, it is THEIR pain afterall, and two – I’m only one man, what could I possibly do with other peoples pain? Where would I put it, where should I keep it? Perhaps I need a ‘sin-eater’… but for pain. Or perhaps we could simply recycle other peoples pain, because surely they don’t need it and you never know – maybe we can find another use or it.
Or we can simply write about it here. Get it out of my head for a wee while so that others might give it the smallest time of day. It doesn’t belong in here… in my brainbox… I don’t own it, nor have rights to it… but if you share it with me, sooner or later I’ve got to ‘talk’ about it. My head much like yours is a vessel too. Somedays it’s more full then empty… or was that the other way around? Either way… it’s not always healthy to fill up on other peoples grief and woes, not unless you release the pressure every once and awhile. Let it slop around in the gunnels some, and hope that eventually – it’ll simply splash out.
Oh that my mind was the deck of a ship, and the oncoming wave could flush off the bits and pieces that really, don’t need to be cluttering up my space. Not that everything I hear is destined to become flotsam and jetsum – just the opposite in fact, I tend to collect good things abut people in my mind (and that’s a lot!) – but that the bits and pieces people sometime use to anchor these things in place are like a carcinagenic glue… our distaste for ourselves at times is like a cancer, and left untreated it can kill us dead – through and through. Necrotic as it often is, we forget the good along with all that bad… and perhaps here in lies a smally piece of the cure… trust to what’s good inside you. And if you can’t – GET HELP… cancer given the right conditions and timing can kill you quick as buggery… and so can a lack of self respect and spirit. If you allow yourself the opportunity to hate yourself to death… you’ll definitely die – just as sure as someone has shot you clean through the heart.
And that to my mind is an extremely sad thing… we’re worth so much in my book – as odd as we are at times – and to take that away from the world would really suck… you see, it’s the Odd Bits of us that I especially like.